Shut up, Sharon.
My favorite part about having kids is all the unsolicited advice I get from PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO CHILDREN. “Back away Janet, before I pull your blown out hair, that you actually had time to style this morning.” Must be rough. Although these offenders are seemingly endless, I’ve narrowed it down to three types of people who deserve to be punched in the jugular.
First type: The “We know better than you” Crew. I don’t know why someone who hasn’t experienced sleep deprivation feels the need to present a graph of the, “Cry it out method” to a mom zombie, who is co-sleeping just for survival. Or that guy who has never changed a diaper in the entirety of his lonely life, but somehow has all the tips and tricks for getting your son to stop pooping in the middle of the living room. God forbid your own family members get involved. Most of them are too old to remember that they threw you and your twelve closest friends into the back of the station wagon to head to the roller-skating rink. “No need to give me safety tips, mom. Now-a-days we have something called a “car seat”.
Second type: I like to calls these folk, “Earth muffins”. The all organic, gluten free, dairy free, nut free, meat free, plant base free, dye free, taste free, basically anything that isn’t air, people…who love to tell you what nutrients your child needs. Heck, I’m all for doing your own thing, but that doesn’t mean shooting your laser eyes over at other moms doing something else. Sometimes my kids refuse to eat anything but chicken nuggets and cereal, for days. “And they’re just fine, Sharon.”
And the third type: “Mom Shamers”. Gag. Non-moms and moms alike love to weigh in on the topic of breast-feeding. I think it’s an amazing feat to be able to sustain a baby’s needs with your very own magical, unicorn juice. But let me tell you something, my jugs weren’t up for the challenge. No way, no how. I tried to nurse all 3 of my children, but my taps were dry. None of those “RBF’s” knew I had spent days with a lactation specialist, tried the teas, made the cookies, fed on demand, got on medication, pumped, didn’t pump, drank the hoppy beer, all while feeling like a complete failure as a mom. “But please, Barb, continuing telling me how formula is evil and I’m not trying hard enough.”
I am quickly approaching 7 years of parenthood, and I most definitely do not have all the answers. But I can tell you that my husband and I know what’s best for our children. And I am certain you know what’s best for yours. So, let us take a deep breath, exhale the B.S. and drink wine already. Hands in the middle! Bombing at momming on three…
Photo Credit: Instagram:@Natashaholthephotgraphy