Andrew McCarthy is best known as the “Brat Pack” actor from Pretty in Pink and St. Elmo’s Fire; he’s also an accomplished travel journalist and author, with four New York Times bestsellers, including Walking with Sam: A Father, A Son, and Five Hundred Miles Across Spain, a memoir of traveling with his son.
His latest book, Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship Across America, was also inspired by his now 24-year-old son. When Sam said, “You don’t really have any friends, do you, Dad?” McCarthy started to ask himself why men have such a difficult time with friendship.
Writing the book would take McCarthy, also Dad to Willow (20) and Rowan (12), on a road trip across the country. From Appalachia to the Rocky Mountains, he spoke to men of all types about friendships—including his own.
In this week’s Meet a Dad interview, McCarthy shares more about his inspiration, male friendship and parenting kids of all ages.
Love that your son Sam inspired another book. Can you take us through that moment?
I was sitting at the kitchen table; my 21-year-old son was sitting on the floor, strumming his guitar, telling me a funny story about one of his buddies. When we stopped laughing he looked at me and said, “You don’t really have any friends, do you, Dad?” He didn’t mean it in any harsh way, just an observation from his perspective, the way our kids do (and keep us humble).
“I do have friends, Sam,” I said, “I just don’t see them but I know there’s there, and that’s enough.” But the exchange stayed with me over the next few days, until I thought, “No it’s not enough. I need to go see my friends.” Like many of us, I had a core group of friends as a young person, then life and families and jobs scattered them across the country. I hadn’t seen any of these formative relationships in years, some in decades. So I got in my car, and sticking to back roads, (since I hate driving and the Interstates) drove 10,000 miles across 22 states to reconnect with my friends.
Along the way I began to talk with other men about the place friendship had in their lives. Cops in Ohio, Blues musicians in Mississippi, EMT workers in Texas etc, and why it can be so challenging for men. (“Women are just so much better at this” more than a few men said to me.) Some common themes emerged and it grew into this book, Who Needs Friends.
What is it about male friendships that make them harder to maintain, and begin, as we get older?
I’m not entirely sure it’s age related. I think one big reason is that men tend to shy away from feelings of vulnerability, because it has somehow become confused with weakness, and the one thing a man dare not exhibit is weakness. I think it’s a huge issue with men that leads to all sorts of isolation and misunderstanding.
Who are some of the friends you reconnected with, and why did you seek out those friends and others?
I wanted to go back and see those men that were foundational, guys I met soon after I left home, the ones who became my “chosen family” in young adulthood…people I trusted on a bone deep level who I had let slip away. And the act of showing up, and naming their importance to me, deepens those relationships in a profound way.
Love that. You have three kids of various ages—tween, teen and young adult. What have you learned through each stage?
I’m more tired with each one, so each one gets away with more. But seriously, I’ve found each age amazing and fascinating. One of the biggest challenges has been letting go of being the dominant one in the relationship and letting my growing kids see more and more of me, who I am, warts and all.
How would your kids describe you as a dad?
You’d have to ask them, but if, at the end of the day, my kids said, “He was there, he had my back” I will consider my life a success.
Your son Sam is now as old as you were when you were filming Pretty in Pink. What advice do you give him now that you wish you had at that time?
As he is now 24, I have learned not to offer him any advice at all!
What’s next for you?
I’ve begun acting again. I just finished my first play in 20 years, that was a good challenge. So we’ll see…
